so. remember that one time i posted about josh garrels and the sea in between? well, i just watched a trailer for the documentary.! i love that this was inspired by a family of fans.  oh dreaming, you take us places.

Josh Garrels: The Sea In Between – Trailer from Mason Jar Music on Vimeo.

visit the website of the sea in between.

CANNOT WAIT!! but i guess i have to though, right?

geez i LOVE kinfolk videos…. i love their farm.  it makes me love being a part of a community too!  if only we had a farm though…

Classic Pesto from Kinfolk on Vimeo.

I know it’s rare for me to be open about my life like this, but it’s a real tribute to God’s grace..
So, if you actually read one thing in this post, I hope it would be the last portion marked with a double asterisk.**

:)

Here’s part one  and part two.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.
- Psalm 62.  June 07, 2011.

Temporarily combining the Houses of Prayer was very calming for my House – we needed time to rest, to have Sabbath, to receive the pure shalom of God.  But I struggled with a restless, searching spirit.  I was frustrated with people because I was frustrated with myself.  And so, one day the leader encouraged me:

10:1.  You better encourage a person ten times before picking out even ONE of their faults.
- June 14, 2011

God- give me grace, to give grace.  I had much to learn.

All the while, my health was failing me.  I had stopped gluten-free dieting, but continued a moderated diet.  Throughout the year, I frequented doctors, chiropractors, acupuncturists , stocked on vitamins and medicines, tried countless angles.  Doctors finally found that I did not just have “acute tendinitis” as they originally supposed (definitely no signs of carpal tunnel, thank God) – but instead, and unfortunately, it was chronic tendinitis.  It did not just affect one area of my body, but everywhere that felt constant use: piano and driving affected my arms and right leg (hip, knee, ankle), art and typing affected my arms and fingers (tennis elbow).

They gave me two years from that point to recuperate, granted I don’t do anything I have been (all that music, art, fine motors, constant driving), and continue my physical therapy.  I was devastated, especially because it hindered all the ways I was used to worshipping God.  I told myself that perhaps this is a lesson on learning the true HEART of worship.  And someone at the House of Prayer told me something an Art professor once said,

“No, because if you know the lesson, you’d be already walking in it, or towards it.  You don’t know what He’s teaching you, and that’s just a part of the lesson.”
- July 29, 2011

I know that this is the perfect opportunity for God to do a miracle, show Himself faithful, and teach me something I have not yet attained.  God, give me grace.

June overflowed with intentional efforts to spend quality time with so many people – many had left Hawai’i for different reasons, and I had the time to spend with them.  After all, though I was not out of a job, I was out of work.  This made me fearful of provision, and I ended up taking a job at a retail clothing store – VERY unlike me – but I had the gracious favor of God.  I was also working as an in-home Early Intervention Autism Therapist for military families.  Obviously, I still felt unfulfilled.  I came home with bite marks.

Something in me hungered for this one dream, a dream that made me want to quit in the first place.

So I opened my dream book again – the one I’ve kept for nearly fifteen years, the one that actually tells me that, when I was ten years old, I wanted to be a baker, an artist, and have a garden; the one that I stuff menus of other cafe’s, write programs for a community center, and plan out the little I know about business… the dream book that says in a little corner: “Start from the bottom up, be a barista.”

The following is a photo from a worksheet I filled out when I was ten years old (because I was in 7th grade already) that encouraged me to write the things I greatly enjoy or aspire to be when I’d get older.  I still have it.

I opened up these childhood dreams.  I told them to my friends.  I asked them to hold me accountable, to pray that God’s dreams for me would truly be mine.  I told them my ideas, read them my plans.  Did you know – while most young children would draw blueprints for a future house, my brother and I drew a blueprint for a center that featured the gifts and talents of those we loved – in childlike terms (“And they like skating, they’ll have a skatepark!” “He works at a restaurant, he can have his own!” “We can make our own shirts and have a shop!”).

I realized that these childhood dreams could be a reality – ONLY because, by my own human efforts, is absolutely 100% impossible.  IMPOSSIBLE!  This could be a reality, only because it required my total abandonment to everything I knew in my head, and let my heart follow God in faith.

I threw my resume together, the resume that had nothing to do with food or customer service, and sent it out everywhere.  EV-RY-WHERE.
The first few days of July overflowed with interviews and endless callbacks of “PLEASE WORK WITH US!”  And to be frank, I was dumb and still fearful.  I said “yes” to places I should have said “no” to (open doors and good opportunities do not equal the RIGHT opportunity).

Then a new friend, found through the worship nights at the House of Prayer, told me about the coffeeshop she worked at (surprisingly very near the location of our old house… I had no idea it was there).

“I went in to meet with [the owner].  And I have never had a more comfortable interview!  Upon telling me that she feels like I’m over-qualified, I told her that I knew – but I quit my job because I wanted to pursue this… for passion!  Never before would I have imagined feeling so comfortable sharing my vision.  It was as if I were sharing it with a new friend over coffee – except I was admitting to a prospective employer about working in coffee.  Coffee is not merely a commodity, it’s a form of – community.  And by God’s grace, she wanted to hire me!”
- Journal, July 10, 2011

So there you have it – here’s the reason I became a barista, because it’s a childhood dream and I’m starting from the bottom up.  (Mind you, there’s a LOT more that go into this dream than just coffee!  Coffee’s just the beginning)

In August, our House of Prayer also found a permanent and beautiful home in town, and I could finally afford living there full-time – because I was working three jobs.  By September, God made it so that I HAD to leave the other two jobs (in a remarkable story strikingly similar to the one I told in part two).  God made it pretty sparkling clear that I had to leave the Special Ed field.  So, I could no longer afford rent, and through much prayer, I decided to move back in with my parents, and such has been my life for the closing three months of the year.

Yes, the drive to work takes anywhere between 45 – 1:30 one way, depending on traffic, but I love where I work so much – it’s what I’ve dreamed a coffeeshop should be like, because I build relationships with people all the time.  I love that investment in people.  I love that my bosses have become friends, I love that they love the Lord too!  I love that there is room for growth, and space for ambition.

But once I started working here, I realized that what Mike Bickle said of the International House of Prayer is the same exact feelings I have about this career change.

IHOP is not my dream… IHOP is my assignment, my ministry.  My dream is the anointing to love God with all my heart – THAT’S the dream of my heart.  If IHOP gets real big, my dream does not get affected good or bad, and if IHOP goes away, my dream is not affected!  Because nobody can touch my dream, not even IHOP.  My dream is to walk in the anointing of the Holy Spirit, to love Jesus with all of my heart, all of my strength, all of my mind, and to offer Him a heart of love on the last day, after years of walking with Him – THAT is the dream of my heart.”
- Mike Bickle… a sermon during OneThing 2010

**I feel the same way.  Not that I have small faith for this, but if God had me conjure up all those childhood ideas and plans, and move my heart so much JUST so I could quit a job I didn’t enjoy, JUST to work part-time minimum wage, JUST to be able to talk to this a customer or two about the Love of Christ and actually SEE their lives change – then my heart is happy!

I am very okay with my cafe/art house/community center not happening – it’s not the real dream of my heart.  I am fulfilled just loving God and loving others in this way that He ordained.  I belong in His presence, I yearn for His nearness, I love to love Him and being loved by Him.  These are the real dreams of my heart.

Everything comes from You, and we have given You only what comes from Your hand.
- I Chronicles 29.14

I know, my God, that You test the heart and are pleased with integrity.  All these things have I given willingly and with honest intent.  And now I have seen with joy how willingly Your people who are here have given to You.  O LORD, keep this desire in the hearts of Your people forever, and keep their hearts loyal to You.
- I Chronicles 29.17-18.  October 23, 2011

Thanks for reading.  Goodbye 2011.  Hello 2012.

This is part two of my 2011 – which was the rather hefty part of the year.  part one here

It is still May of 2011.  To re-cap, my work in Special Ed had been unbearable.  So although I worked at an excellent school, I decided that after my trip to California, I would work the last six weeks of the school year – just enough to save money, then quit the job.

But then, while in California, I received a shocking call from my agency, basically stating that, for reasons unrelated to me, I no longer have a case to work with.  My plan to work for at least six more weeks completely caved in!  It’s as though, at the moment I told God that I’d surrender the job, He made a quicker way out for me.

I was stunned, but so suddenly reminded about how different the effectiveness of our prayers can be when we pray in agreement with God’s will for our lives.  Alleluia.

It was a mere 10-day trip to California, but I returned to no job, not even a goodbye to the students and faculty I worked with (thanks to a strict policy), not even attending a farewell party they prepared for me (they knew I planned on leaving), not even showing my student the photo with Dora I made myself take… not even time to stock up on my savings account.

Not to mention – all while this was happening, I faced so many struggles – spiritually, relationally, and physically.  I was spent.

I hold to the truth that He did not say “the sword shall not come,” but He said, “you will be spared.”  He said there will be troubles, but He also said, “I have overcome.”

- May 10, 2011

I need a high vision for the reason I get into the Word.
And I realized: I want to be restored, set free, delivered;
I want to be released from the pain and wounds-
I want to be devoted, disciplined – more than duty.
I want to be refreshed, renewed… I cannot be who I am now.
“One sin persisted is fatal to the soul” – Charles Finney
I want to be at war against anything that hinders love.
“Hallelujah! There’s an appointed end to suffering!” – Cory Asbury
“What God’s truth demands, His grace will provide.” – Francis Frangipane

- May 13, 2011

Then the most beautiful event of this year happened – my sister gave birth to a beautiful GIRL!  It was surely a miracle, because the ultrasounds had told her she had a BOY.  In fact, the two baby showers she had were laden with BLUE clothes!  Little sweetness didn’t have a name for a while.  Her story is her own to tell; her story is God’s.  And she has the most beautiful name.  Her middle name is Grace, which, though common, is absolutely right and full.  In fact, the morning she was born, I had drawn this:

True- despite the weight of my struggles, I had so many family reasons to celebrate, enough to motivate my pursuit of finding the will of God.

“Now My heart is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save Me in this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour.  Father, glorify Your name!”
- John 12.27-28.  May 24, 2011

I decided to trust.  And yet again, when my heart agreed with the heart of God, two days later, on the same day, THREE job opportunities opened up for me.  I began wondering about all these options! Which led me to write this.

I told God that I trust Him- and now I had to show Him that I trust Him, with everything.

PART THREE!!

despite my tossing of whether or not to re-cap in my signature long form, i write because i love remembering.

the years do not happen in time frames, they happen in seasons.  i cannot look at january 2011 without looking at the autumn of 2010; and i cannot look at that old autumn without looking at that summer.  everything happens with cause and effect, everything happens with God’s great eye and heavy hand upon me, everything happens with reason.  and with every season, there is deep love and painful loss, and planting, growing, pruning, burning.. and harvesting, and sharing, and enjoying again.

“Hello, Eleven,” I once said; beside a family I held very dear to me.  A family that was a House of Prayer.  We lived in a town very different from the rest of the island and very close to the beach.  I cannot keep count of everyone who technically lived there, and squatters like myself, but we were a full bunch – perhaps 13+ of us and a dog – crammed into a duplex unit.  As much as we could, we spent all the quality time we could together this month- knowing that our beloved Korean friends would end their student visa in February.  It was bittersweet.  We laughed every moment we could, with this pending loss waiting…

Meanwhile, I still commuted for an hour to the North Shore for work.  Slowly this profession was eating away at my sanity.  And because of the stress, it took a toll on my physical body.  My joints started to give in to me, and I was easily fatigued.  So I ventured into eating gluten-free.

In February I turned 25.  Oh the glorious quarter of a century.  Knowing my gluten-free diet and my abounding love for Korean food, my Korean friends made me a glorious gluten-free feast (which isn’t difficult, as most of their cuisine is already GF) – well fitted with rice krispie treats!  i do remember that night, however.. becuase i was a wreck and was in the bathroom crying my eyes out while they searched for me to pray blessings.  i cannot explain the stress; it was work, it was home, it was my soul, it was this pending loss.  it was everything.  and mixed into that, i wanted cake (i know.. lame).

i remember that day they left.  painful- incredibly painful.  they made a home in my heart, and when they left, i was lonely for the kindest company i have known.  language is no barrier of love, and i encountered God just by knowing them.  truly – i have yet to find men and women who meet their caliber of purity, virtue, and wisdom.  alas, i bless God for the privilege of calling them family.  it was good while we had it.

March was full of searching.  constantly searching.  my health was no good either, but i thought it okay to push through the pain.  i chose to take the kids’ spring break to my creative advantage; i spent it at the House of Prayer, painting in the prayer room, listening to sermons and worship through IHOP-KC.  i painted things i didn’t completely understand.  i was enough of a wreck that i took some time in Kona to see my pregnant sister and go to the YWAM Kona base’s prayer room.

April was a whirlwind.  I wrote in my journal:

I have been called to count the cost – to consider my life and examine the things close to my heart, and asking myself if i would abandon it all for the ake of His calling.  Truly, if I am where the LORD wants me to be, there must still be a surrender which I am withholding from His grace.

- April 20, 2011

And so I laid it on paper.  I considered my job, my church, even the House of Prayer, asking: “Am I where I am supposed to be?”  I searched and prayed those next few days into Resurrection Sunday.  By then, I had realized -

My focus should not be – my job, my House, my spouse – oh, but my focus should be He who is before my eyes.  That, though I do not see Him, I love Him, and am filled with an inexpressible joy…”

- April 23, 2011

Yet, that peace came with a test.. for in that week, some of us learned that we had to evacuate the house by the end of April, causing the greatest tensions we faced as community.

Nevertheless, God was faithful, as He always is, and beginning in May, we lived with another community house – a sibling home, i suppose – and it was right.  it was a resting place.

Personally, I made a final resolve – after my trip to California with my family for my brother’s graduation, I would put in a notice of resignation to quit by the end of the school year.

Little did I know how much God would re-route my life….

PART TWO!
then..
PART THREE!!